Elder Care: Your Caregivers as your Allies

Some time ago, I gave special attention to the problem of caregiver abuse. Today I want to write about the incredible value to be gained from having a specific caregiver work for you for the long-term. I know that it is difficult to find a caregiver that will match your style, your needs, your criteria of care. But, if you do find such a person, hang on to them for all you're worth.

Having a private companion caregiver for an elderly parent can be a real boon. If you live some distance from your parent and cannot see them regularly, the caregiver can become the constant in your parent's life that you would be if you were able. This is not to say that the caregiver replaces you as a daughter or son. Not at all. It's simply that, by virtue of the frequency and consistency of their presence, they become a secure marker, a benchmark for your parents to attach themselves to.

There is a lot that is beneficial about this relationship. For an elderly person whose health or memory is failing, it is reassuring beyond measure to recognize a face and voice that is familiar. For them, it's especially comforting to have the physical presence of the caregiver. This is someone around whom they can relax, someone who knows them and whom they have known for so long that they do not need to be on their "best behavior." While they may not trade the intimacies that best friends share, there is much about the support that a best friend gives that a caregiver fulfills also.

As memory fades, it becomes very difficult to develop new relationships. This makes existing relationships priceless. And for this reason if no other, it makes sense to strive to build a long-term relationship with a caregiver. The rapport between a caregiver and your parent may become the most meaningful relationship your parent has after awhile.

Equally important in my view, is the information you can glean from long-term caregivers. A caregiver who has been around your parent for years will have known them when they were stronger and will have observed how they've changed or declined over time. This happens even without you requesting the caregiver to watch for signs. Thus, the caregiver can become your most immediate connection to small changes in your parents' condition that may indicate a bigger issue developing. Caregivers of course are priceless when there's a health crisis. But in this case, I'm talking about more intangible things which they will notice by virtue of their intimate knowledge of your parent's habits, routines, energy level, appetite, skin color, general comportment and more.

This is true even in Assisted Living facilities, where staff is supposed to be observing and acting on modest shifts in the residents' behavior. While this may be the stated objective of the facility staff and may inform their training, the blunt truth is that no one who's responsible for 30-50 people or more can possibly be as observant and have as good a recall of normalcy as an individual caregiver who has nothing to do but be around your parent. As well, by the time your parent moves into Assisted Living they probably are just a shadow of their former self. The staff at the facility may see them only as frail or unwell. But your caregiver, if she's been with your parent for a year or more, will know that your parent should have more energy, or should enjoy their food more, or should sleep less. Without it needing to take the tone of reporting on facility staff, your caregiver can become your eyes and ears on how the staff is handling your parent's needs, as well as how your parent is doing generally.

My point here is to urge you to put effort into developing a good relationship with your caregiver, if you are lucky enough to have one. Include them in your life. Tell them about your kids, your vacation, your concerns. Find out the same about them. Learn about their background and their aspirations. Ask them if things are going well for them or if they have worries. Look for any excuse at all to chat with them about things other than your parents. Involve them in decisions. Show sensitivity to their need for prompt payment and for time off, and to have a set schedule that allows them to take other jobs. Include them in decisions that could affect the number of hours they've been working for you. Seek their opinion, their advice, and ask plainly for their feedback on how they think your parent is doing.

The minutes that you spend on the phone with a caregiver will pay you back dividends tenfold. And will give you a view into the interior of your parent's day-to-day life that you could never otherwise get.