Elder Care Stresses and 10 Suggestions for Coping

Stress is the constant companion of those who care for their aging parent(s). There's much that's been written about not forgetting to take care of yourself when taking care of others. I'm not going to repeat it here, but I do want to look beyond the usual advice. I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but even so I think telling someone "be sure to take care of yourself" is a bit glib. Saying "don't forget to take care of yourself" has become ubiquitous. Those who say it think that they're showing empathy, but personally I find it to be an empty statement that doesn't help.

Consider the word itself. What does "STRESS" actually mean? By definition, "stress" means "to subject to force; to put pressure or strain upon."

When you are responsible for your parent's well-being the pressure is continuous and the resulting strain is immense. If you are being continuously subjected to pressure, squeezed in a vise, then the standard of what it means to care for yourself has to change. We all know that we have to take care of ourselves. The question is how best to do so? In my experience, the things that are most restorative are ones that take the lid off the pressure cooker for more than just an hour. They're substantive and long-term. They affect you deeply and offer a chance to take control, something which is sorely lacking in the caregiver's world.

Here are 10 suggestions, some small and simple, others more complex:

1. Learn how to speak up for what you need and what you want.
2. Tell people what's happening with your parents.
3. Dismiss the notion that you can do it all on your own.
4. Contact relatives and involve them in the situation.
5. Know that you'll do everything right and your parent will still get worse.
6. Accept that it's not humanly possible for you to do everything that could conceivably be done for your parent.
7. Pick one thing that you want to thoroughly understand or accomplish and delve into it.
8. Find your center, your core, and listen to what it has to say about yourself and your parent.
9. Figure out one element of your parent's dignity that has been damaged due to dementia or other infirmities and restore it.
10. I've said this before in previous posts, and I'll repeat it a lot in the future: Remind yourself every day that you are doing the best you can possibly do.

Every one of these suggestions is a topic of it own. I'll post on each one in the future.

Can you offer more suggestions?